


reminding you you're special

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [10]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Hopeful Ending, Isolation, M/M, Making Up, Mentions of Anger Issues, Mentions of Street Fighting, Pre-Relationship, Suicidal Thoughts, mentions of touch starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 00:50:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21485623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: From the prompt:Buddie Prompt: no one seems to notice that buck is spiraling into darkness after every thing that has happened and Eddie realizes that maybe they all need to try harder in assuring Buck that he still has a place with them and that more importantly, they still want him
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1528010
Comments: 14
Kudos: 438
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	reminding you you're special

**Author's Note:**

> So, I totally didn't stick with the prompt completely, and made it more so that Eddie doesn't realize Buck is spiraling instead of the entire fire-fam, so I hope that's alright, nonnie. I hope you enjoy this too. Also, there's suicidal thoughts -- about two lines, worth, and mentions of Buck not eating and not caring, so if that's going to be a problem, please stay safe ♥

It’s been two weeks since the lawsuit fiasco, two weeks since Eddie yelled at him and Buck -- Buck was back. Halloween was now over, his arm was healed from the windshield and Bobby had trust in him again. Everything appeared to be going back to normal, and Buck found himself so grateful that things were moving forward, except -- except with Eddie. Sure, Eddie said he had been forgiven, and everything was fine again, but to Buck, Eddie’s actions didn’t really fit with that statement, and the younger man didn’t know what to do about that. He didn’t know if he should make a plan to talk to Eddie, ask him what was going on, or if he should try to --

Buck didn’t know, and he hated not knowing what to do. He liked having steps to follow, a set plan. He might seem impulsive, but he never truly was, wouldn’t have been able to survive his home life if he was, so not knowing what to do to get things back to normal with Eddie was absolutely killing him.

And he didn’t say that lightly, because he didn’t think that things were going to be all that different with Eddie once he apologized, except --

Things had been incredibly different, if he was being honest. 

It had taken him a couple of days to notice at first, but when he did notice, he couldn’t stop noticing. WHenever he would talk to Eddie, the man wouldn’t look at him, would avoid eye contact and step away from him. If Buck tried to hug Eddie or touch Eddie like before, he would flinch and look away and Buck’s heart would always fall into his stomach then. And when Buck tried to ask Eddie if they wanted to do something later, Eddie was always turning him down. The man was avoiding him.

While at work, things would seem normal, especially on a call but if they weren’t on a call -- things weren’t normal. And if their shift was over -- well, it was like Buck didn’t exist to Eddie and that - that hurt.

Buck had never felt more alone, which was saying something. He had Hen, and Chimney, and even Bobby, but they rarely hung out after work.

That was what he had Eddie for. That’s...that’s why he fell in love with the older man. But it’s like, ever since the lawsuit and apologizing, Eddie wanted nothing to do with Buck, and just humored him.

And that thought hurt him more than anything, because if Eddie was just humoring him -- what else was he supposed to do? So two weeks had passed - two weeks of not hanging out with Eddie after work, or having Eddie touch him, pat his shoulder, look at him, talk to him unless it was work related.

And Buck truly realized how much he grew to depend on Eddie in the months where Buck was getting physical therapy. Not talking to him during the lawsuit hurt, but this hurt more, and Buck knew it was because it was Eddie’s choice and not his. And Buck -- Buck was feeling off.

No, he was feeling more than off. He wasn’t eating as much as he should be, he was spending more and more time in bed, needing an extra something to get himself out of it every morning and he was shaking more often because the last time he’d been hugged by Eddie was when he had apologized, and Eddie had pulled away early on. 

Buck knew what was going on.

He was getting depressed again, and becoming touch starved, and his emotions were becoming too much for him to handle all by himself. If he was smart, he would go to someone, get help but that was too much work for Buck, especially when all he wanted was Eddie. 

It had been two weeks since he apologized, and while he thought his apology was accepted, Buck realized he had been incredibly wrong, and nothing was going to be fixed with Eddie unless Eddie came to him.

* * *

Almost two months later, and things haven’t gotten better for Buck. He’s stopped trying to get Eddie to talk to him, or have their friendship back to the way it used to be, only ever talking to Eddie at work, and only when Eddie talks to him first. He still has Eddie’s back on calls, will never let him fail Christopher that way, because even though he misses Christopher, and only ever sees him when Carla calls him, he knows Christopher would miss Eddie more if something were to happen with Eddie.

So Buck just lets himself accept what he has, and doesn’t have any hopes for something more. He doesn’t smile or laugh as much while at work, and he knows everyone’s noticed, but only Bobby and Hen have pulled him aside to ask if he’s alright.

And he didn’t know how he could tell them the truth -- that he ached for his best friend, for the man he fell in love with, but Eddie pushed him away and hasn’t pulled him back in and Buck is losing himself in the depression.

That he needs help, but doesn’t know how to ask for it.

He rarely eats now, only really eating when Bobby cooks a meal. He knows he needs to be better, knows he needs to eat or else his doctor is going to pull him from active duty, and he can’t have that, but there’s no brightness where he’s standing, waves cascading over him with no light peeking through and Buck --

Buck needs help, but doesn’t know how to ask for it.

Doesn’t know if he wants to ask for it, admittedly.

It’s the morning before a shift, and he’s still in bed. He’s been in bed for three days now, not bothering to get up, wasting away. He knows he should - knows he should get up, shower, get dressed and go to work but instead, he grabs his phone and messages Bobby that he’s still not feeling well, he’s sorry, he’ll try to make up for the time when he is. His shoulders become tense as he waits for a response, but after a few minutes, he realizes that there’s no response, and his shoulders slump, no longer filled with tension.

Still in bed, Buck lets his eyes close, and he falls asleep, thankful for the blackout curtains he has, his comforter over his head as tears slowly fall down his cheeks.

* * *

Eyes snapping open, Buck wonders what woke him up from his sad nap, his eyebrows furrowed in thought as he listens to someone moving around in his apartment. He knows he should get up, protect himself, maybe call 911 but Buck just finds he doesn’t care - if someone’s here to rob him, let them. If he ends up dying in the process --

Well…..

He knows that’s a dark thought, but as he hears footsteps coming up the staircase, Buck lets out a soft huff, still not caring. It feels like an eternity before he sees someone landing on the last step of the staircase, his eyes trailing up from the feet to the head, frowning when it’s Eddie of all people, Buck’s body curling inwards into the comforter.

“What--” he begins before coughing, realizing just how long it’s been since he’s talked to someone. The surprises keep coming though when Eddie steps forward with a bottle of water, opening it and helping Buck into a sitting position before having him drink some of the water. Buck finds himself still confused, still unsure, looking at Eddie wearily and Eddie…

Eddie lets out a sigh, sitting down on his bed carefully while Buck looks at him with a frown.

“Bobby asked me to come visit you, since you called in again,” Eddie says and Buck nods, looking away, the hope that had slowly begun to rise falling immediately. He should have known better, he thinks. Should have realized that Eddie wasn’t going to be here on his own.

“Well, here I am. You can go back to Cap, tell him I’m fine, and then go on with your day,” Buck responds, teeth clacking together as he turns to look away from the older man, who only lets out another huff of breath.

“Except, I can’t. Because Bobby has told me if I don’t come back with things fixed between us, I’m suspended.” Buck turns towards Eddie with wide eyes, hands clenched into fists as he tries to think of something to say in response. 

“Then lie to him, and tell him everything is fine,” Buck eventually responds with a roll of his eyes, frowning even more when he sees Eddie shaking his head and moving a little bit closer to Buck.

“I don’t want to lie to him. I don’t want to leave here without having talked to you about everything, because you deserve that and so much more,” Eddie responds, and Buck finds his heart started to beat fast inside his chest at the words, and the hope.

He hated having the hope.

“Wha-- what do you mean?” Buck eventually asks, tongue darting out to lick his lips as he looks at Eddie with his lashes lowered, not wanting Eddie to be able to read him.

“Buck,” Eddie begins and he can see Eddie trying to look into his eyes, but he continues to avoid Eddie because well, if there’s one thing Eddie deserves, it’s the pain of the avoidance that Buck felt at first. He hears Eddie sigh, sees him run fingers through his hair.

“When you apologized, I had been fighting in underground rings. It started as just street fights but I did so well, I was offered a spot in an underground ring, and I took it.” Eddie begins, Buck’s eyes widening as he keeps his head down.

He didn’t know that, but then again, Eddie obviously hadn’t wanted him to know that, and had made his stance clear on where they were in their friendship. Finding a thread on his bed, he begins to pick at it, and listens to Eddie as he continues.

“And I meant it, you know, when I had said I had forgiven you, but I was still so angry over everything, Buck. And I needed to keep fighting, needed to let out the pent up emotion I had over everything that had happened. And I didn’t want you to see me like that,” Eddie says and Buck chances a peek at him, notices he’s looking around the upstairs loft and Buck doesn’t know how to feel now.

“And you were  _ always _ there. Always trying to get me to open up, get our friendship back to where it was. And as much as I wanted that, because I did, I also wanted  _ more _ , and that terrified me, mainly because I didn’t know if you would ever feel the same way. I thought you would, and I could imagine us happy and in love but I was  _ still _ fighting and I didn’t know how to stop,” Eddie whispers, looking at Buck and nearly jolting when he realizes Buck has been staring at him since he looked up.

“You pushed me away, Eddie, when I really needed you,” Buck whispers and Eddie nods, his hand making an aborted movement to cover Buck’s before he stops it and lets it rest next to his instead.

“I did. And I know I was wrong, especially when I saw how it was affecting you. But I wanted to be  _ better _ , for you, before I fully saw you and apologized for everything. Because that’s what you deserve, Buck. And that’s why I’m here,” Eddie adds, smiling when Buck frowns and shakes his head.

“I don’t understand,” Buck finds himself whispering back, looking away from the intense look in Eddie’s eyes, his heart slowly beginning to thump fast against his ribcage. 

“I’m  _ sorry _ , Evan. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you when I saw how much you needed someone. I’m sorry I let you believe that you weren’t worth it, and I’m sorry I’ve been such a terrible friend. I will do everything in my power to make you believe how special you are, how much I love you, and how sorry I am, but I just -- I need you to know that, man,” Eddie adds, his thumb sliding up and down Buck’s pinkie finger, and Buck --

Buck’s full of hope. Eddie is here, in front of him, apologizing to him and telling him he loves him and it’s everything Buck’s wanted to hear since well, probably before the tsunami happened, but it’s  _ happening _ and Buck --

“Are you better?” Buck whispers with a tilt of his head. He hasn’t noticed any new bruises on Eddie, but he hasn’t been looking too hard either, and Buck wonders if Eddie is better.

“Yes. I ended up almost killing a guy and Bobby found out. He wasn’t too thrilled, so he told me to get help or else he’d suspend me from the team.” Eddie whispers and Buck lets out a small gasp, wondering if he would have been told, even after everything.

“And you got help?” He asks, smiling when Eddie nods.

“I got a lot of help, Buck. I saw a therapist, and we talked about everything. And lately, we’ve been talking about me, and you and the two of us together. I realized how much I isolated you, and how it was just me because Hen and Chim and Bobby all knew what was going on with you but me -- your best friend, didn’t, and I hated myself for that,” Eddie adds while Buck shifts in the bed, leaning forward.

“So when Bobby says not to come back ---”

“Bobby knows not to expect me today.” Eddie says, smiling softly before continuing, “If you’ll have me, I want to stay here. I want to do everything I can to make it up to you. Whether that’s cuddling you or dragging your ass to the shower and washing your hair, I’m going to ---”

“Eddie,” Buck gasps with wide eyes while Eddie stops talking and leans forward, letting his forehead against Buck’s, closing his eyes briefly while letting out a small sob.

“I love you, Buck. And I’m not kidding when I say I’m going to do  _ everything _ in my power to earn your forgiveness,” Eddie whispers, smiling when Buck nods, letting out his own sob.

“Can you just hold me for now, Eds?” He asks and then watches as Eddie stands up and takes his shoes and pants off, moving to the bed and lying down next to Buck, wrapping himself around Buck, Buck relaxing slowly as Eddie watches.

“You’ll be here when I wake up, right?” Buck questions, the worry in his eyes over whether or not Eddie will be, and Buck can see Eddie’s guilt, and he hates that he put it there, but he needs to know.

“I will most definitely be here. I’m not going anywhere without you, Buck,” Eddie whispers, leaning forward to kiss the top of Buck’s nose while Buck nods, closing his eyes and letting himself relax completely.

Sure, not everything is solved now but Buck… As much as he hates it, he feels hope for the future.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this. Concrit and comments are love. Come yell @ me on [my tumblr](https://smartbuckley.tumblr.com).


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